1. Kitchen stocked with the barest essentials, such as:
Do not be alarmed at such barren food items. First of all, once you get in bed you won’t want to get out and secondly you’ll have cash (see below) as a backup emergency, which will make all food cravings dissipate.
2. One magic I Heart NAPS shirt.
Do not wear this shirt in public until you need to break its napping powers and get back into the real world. Otherwise you’ll be bombarded with bewildered looks and questions from people oblivious to the fine art of napping. You will continually have to say that the shirt means just what it says, as you shake your head telling inquirers that no, NAPS is NOT an acronym, but THE word NAPS.
3. $20 cash for emergency pizza delivery, simply a security blanket for this adventure.
4. Position your bed so that you are 10 steps or less away from the kitchen and bathroom. Be sure to put all objects you do not want interference with outside this 10 step area, such as, but not limited to, debit and credit cards. This way you won’t be tempted to use your three days shopping online, unless of course money isn’t an issue in your life then spend, spend away.
Day One: Put on magical I Heart NAPS shirt, being fully aware that once the shirt goes on you won’t want to get out of bed for ANYTHING. However, thanks to great planning, you’ll be well aware that should you need to get up, the kitchen and bathroom are only 10 steps away. No problem. Now do whatever. Nap, read, dork around online, daydream, sleepdream, talk on the phone, email, blog, make a collage or two and/or practice carnal nirvana with or without a partner. (If you have a partner, you’ll lose two more pounds immediately however you can only have a partner on day one, as the next two days you will smell horrid.)
Day Two: Repeat day one.
Day Three: Repeat day one no later than 11 a.m. Then select powerful kick-yo-ass caffeinated beverage or energy drink such as one of these:
Drink up. You will need all the energy provided.
Breaking the spell: Go to the gym with the I Heart NAPS shirt on, everyone there will smile when they see your shirt…somehow gymers know the superpowers of naps. Be courteous and stay out of your fellow workout partners’ personal space, since that shirt has literally been lived in for three days now. To effectively break the napping spell, you must workout hard, sweating profusely while singing to yourself You Sexy Thing. Should you not feel sexy, just sneak a few glances at someone who does, you know, for a bit of inspiration. Just don’t stare or you’ll get distracted and you might be reported. Sweat non-stop for 40 minutes, leave the gym quickly and discreetly. Go straight home and put shirt in washing machine. Take a shower, dress and get out of the house pronto and I mean lickety split. Do not return for at least two hours. Arriving home, dry shirt, fold and place in back of closet until the next nap binge comes calling.
After three days, you will have lost a maximum of 5 pounds, got your groove on in some manner, had plenty of rest and will be fully prepared to welcome in the New Year properly. After all silly, you can’t stay in bed forever. Somebody has got to make a living and buy the cat food you know.
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